Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
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After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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