I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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