No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
