I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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