i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I cut my penus on the lid.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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