the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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