somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
