Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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