Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
