i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
