My liver just broke up with me...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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