I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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