she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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