tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
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Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
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Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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