i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
