He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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