glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
