dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
