I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
