Your dad touched me again.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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