i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
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