Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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