we have pet lesbian snakes
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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