if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
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just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
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I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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