I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
