Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
