I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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