So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You're a waste of cheezeits
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
