Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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