i'm signing you up for texting rehab
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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