My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
