im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
