If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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