It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
