I'm so fucking centered right now
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
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Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
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I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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