Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
