When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
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I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
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Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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