he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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