Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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