He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So apparently I’m into choking now
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
