did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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