she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
