I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
