Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
