i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
