I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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