I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The beer is more important than you right now.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
