He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
