now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
