Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
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Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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