If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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