I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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