I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
