Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
