like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
