apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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