I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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