If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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