i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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