Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He passed out mid-signature
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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